I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
