I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
