Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
