the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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