I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How's work?
Spinning.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
