Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
