Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
