My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
