Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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