if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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