It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
