Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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