This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
