Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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