Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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