you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
