I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
