im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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