All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
