I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
