I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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