Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
