My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
