Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
