I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
It's blow job season.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
