My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
