hotel room ftw
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
