i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
