i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
