i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
