I have demons in me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
