You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
