Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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