He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
