I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
