I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
