god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
