I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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