I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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