Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
