The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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