I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
