This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
