Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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