im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
