Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
