life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I could fuck to npr.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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