I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
