yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
