so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize