we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
